Monday, March 7, 2011

Don't Buy This!!!!!

Evening Readers,

I was surfing the web today and saw that distributors are once again releasing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy on Blu-Ray.  Yum.  However, my sensation of joy was immediately replaced by utter confusion when I saw this:

Wait a sec, hold on.  There's already an extended cut of LOTR on VHS and DVD, and I had assumed that this new release was the extended cut for Blu-Ray.  But what exactly is the "limited" cut?  Is this version missing some scenes?  Was Orlando Bloom digitally removed from the film altogether?  It clearly says that this version of LOTR is both "limited" and "extended".  How is this possible?  How can it be both?  Since this news was on the internet (and must therefore be true) I sat in front of my computer for six hours trying to better understand the possibility of these dual opposites existing in yet one form (like a hermaphrodite).  Readers, I must admit that I had my sweaty finger on my mouse ready to purchase this item, but my proficiency in middle school algebra saved me from completely depleting my life savings.  If we start with the original version of LOTR being assigned a "0", this all begins to make sense.

1.) The numeric value of the Theatrical Version of LOTR = 0

2.) The numeric value of LOTR Extended cut = +1

3.) The numeric value of the LOTR Limited cut = -1

4.) Therefore: the value of LOTR Limited Extended cut:
             = (+1) + (-1)

             = 0

5.) Thus the Theatrical Version of LOTR = the Limited Extended cut of LOTR.

WINNING!  Gotcha Peter Jackson!  I now realize that if I were stupid enough to buy the limited extended edition, I'd be getting the exact same thing as the theatrical version I saw 17 times at the cinema.  Nice try, but you can't put one over on me, PJ.  I'm saving my money for the "Extended, limited, but still extended" cut.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

For Your Consideration: The President Edition

It was recently announced that the Donald, otherwise known as 'the hair,' wants to jump on the bandwagon and run for president on the Republican ticket. Since we all know he is more than qualified (he espouses great Americana values such as marrying gold diggers and having a reality show), I wondered if there was anyone left with as much credibility to step up as his running mate. Then it occurred to me that I am an idiot and that we have two pillars of truth that can stand side by side with Mr. Trump and kick America back to world- domineering shape. It is now up to our readers to exercise that Jehovah- given right and vote: Mr Lewis (I hate everything) Black or Mr. John (Irish Catholic) Donaghy?

"America, Fuck yeah!"

They're Taking Over the F@cking World and No One is Noticing

My God.  Readers, we've been hoodwinked.  Here's why...

I paid little attention when Will Smith starred in the 2006 film The Pursuit of Happyness with his son, Jaden.   It seemed harmless for a mega-star to show off his kid to the entire world.  Similarly, I barely noticed when Willow Smith had a small role in 2007's I am Legend.  Looking back on it, I realize that it was just the beginning, a few drops in the tidal wave of oppression known as "Will Smith's Progeny".  I should have warned someone.  I know, I know, I thought the same thing you're thinking right now: "Little Jaden and teeny Willow?  No way, dude."  But I swear to you, these two are poised to become our overlords, and I'm not sure that I welcome them.

Future Overlordz
It started small; Jaden's role in The Day the Earth Stood Still, Willow's announcement of a music career, but it didn't stop there. Like many of you, I did a double-take when it was announced that a black kid Jaden Smith would star in the Karate Kid remake.  Then in 2010 Willow Smith had the entire western world rattling in synchronized fits of epilepsy with her hit song "Whip My Hair".

Back and forth...
Finally, after lulling us into complacency with their hip style and shiny toothed grins, Variety magazine posted this in January 2011.

That's right, America.  The Smith spawn are taking over our country one Hollywood remake and Billboard hit at a time.  I'm sweating profusely as I write this.  What else can they redo and remake?  What other classics can be power-raped for their satisfaction?  Check the following list of potential Smith remakes:

1.)  Dirty Dancing - WHY?: We already know that Jaden Smith can dance, but what happens when brother and sister dance together 

2.)  Chinatown - WHY?: Because the phrase "She's my sister AND my daughter" will take on a whole different meaning.

3.)  The Dark Knight Rises - WHY?: Because it's not even out yet.

4.)  The Passion of the Christ - WHY?: Because Jaden Smith as Black Jesus = A.) controversy B.) a 2-Disc DVD release that leads to C.) Mad amounts of money and D.) hearty lol's for all.

5.)  Independence Day - WHY?: Because like father, like son...and daughter.

Honorable Mention: Lars Von Trier's Antichrist.

"God help us all." - Barack Obama, 2011.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

For Your Consideration: Casting Couch Edition

Imagine you have just been charged with finding the right actor as the lead in your new cop drama.  Who do you cast: Sheriff Shaquille O'Neal or lawman Steven Seagal?

"What are you gonna do?...What are you gonna do?" - Keanu Reeves, Speed.

Monday, February 7, 2011

How the Oscars Can Stop Sucking


As a cinephile and movie-masturbator prolific taker of undergrad "FiLmZ 101" courses, you might find that many a post will in some way involve movies, documentaries, films, filthy rich actors, filthy actors, and all around grade-A Hollywood garbage.  That being said, I felt it necessary to cast a disapproving eye on the vom-inducing ceremony dedicated to the god of Cinema: The Academy Awards.

I'll admit that I greatly enjoyed the Academy Awards in the most "no homo" of ways.  I relished tuning into the show and being subtly reminded that I was an unworthy bitch, and would never enjoy the AARP approved hedonism Jack Nicholson gets before breakfast.  However, a change occurred.  In 2009, after three straight years of Oscar enjoyment, the squirms of delight that I previously experienced when watching the awards show gave way to a hesitant excitement, which in turn fell victim to painful intestinal gas and a metallic taste in my mouth.  There was an enlightenment, an epiphany, and it was then that I understood the rules of the Oscars.  It was these rules that led me to believe that the Academy Awards suck the dustiest of ballsacks, and must be changed.  The rules are as follows:

1.)  If You want a Best Picture Nomination, make a film about British royalty. As a director, you won't have to do shit.  You won't even need a script.  All you'll need to do is grab some old British people, give them wigs, put them in colorful robes, and make them say some patriotic stuff like "England Prevails!!" The critics will cream themselves repeatedly at the idea of cucumber sandwiches, and the pronunciation of words including "buh' uns" (buttons) and "tee" (tea).

2.) You May be Rewarded for Showing Skin.  This is a iffy rule, as sometimes this guideline is honored (see: Halle Berry Monster's Ball) or overlooked (see: Every Ewan McGregor film).  However, females can generally be assured that revealing a nipple, allowing the camera to linger on butt-cheeks, or going full lez will be rewarded if such scenes are "in context" or "something that the character would do".  Men are not awarded such pleasantries, however a guy's chances are greatly increased if he is in a film about British royalty.

3.) Make a Film that "Raises Awareness".  By directing, starring, or being an extra in a film that raises awareness, you are inherently making a tangible difference in our global society, and therefore deserve an Academy Award.  Want us to realize that everyone in L.A. is racist?  Bless us with Crash.  Want to educate us on the struggles of gay men in the '70s in California?  Give us Milk.  A note of warning: avoid raising awareness concerning injustices in other countries unless your subject material is the holocaust.  If you feel pressed to make a "film" about Africa, it's accepted as long as the protagonist is Leonardo DiCaprio.  However making a movie about India is about as progressive as you can get.

4.) Like Sci-Fi and Fantasy?  Well F@ck you.  This doesn't need explaining.

5.)  If You Don't at First Succeed, Go Bad-Ass.  In 1999, Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, and Sean Penn were up for Best Actor for portraying a wrongly accused boxer, a whistleblower, and an arrogant, obnoxious asshole (Penn didn't have to try).  None of the men won that night, however all three returned within four years to win awards for performances in GladiatorTraining Day, and Mystic River.  Washington and company effectively employed the "Go Bad-Ass" routine, a career move often characterized by increased swearing, tattoos, killing innocent people, and letting others know that "King-Kong ain't got shit on me."  So remember, if you feel that your performance has been overlooked, take on a role that lets you f@ck up everyone's world and get dat gold, right Clay Davis?

Note: I have omitted the ultimate rule concerning the Academy Awards, "Make a Holocaust Film", as this is a universal truth understood to everyone.  

Sunday, February 6, 2011

5 Ways to Spice Up Superbowl Sunday


Today is the holiest day of the year  Superbowl Sunday, and I hope you and your family have readied a fatted calf in preparation for this momentous occasion.  Now, I will admit that the most recent Superbowls have been inspiring and exciting events, but in order to continue this steady trend of nipple-hardening action I propose that extra elements be added to sport in order to maintain the hype.  The name of the game is excess, an ideal so American it gets it's own spin-off, book deal, and clothing line.  With this thought in mind, I give you 5 ways to make the Superbowl even better.  Let's begin.

1.)  Give Selected Players Weapons - In order to add an element of "Surprise!" to the game, bestow all manner of weaponry upon the players.  These weapons will be dispersed as a "level up" for players who make excellent contributions to the game.  Sack the QB?  Get an RPG.  Make a key block?  Get a moldy brick.  This will level the playing field (literally) and stop all the nonsense talk about protecting the players from injury.  Who cares about concussions when Peyton Manning is using claymores as an extra level of defense?  I suggest chain mail and a gat for Aaron Rodgers, a net and trident for Ben Roethlisberger, and Troy Polamalu can have a billy club topped with a rusty nail.

2.)  Dis-honor killings for failed Superbowl Ads - Let's face it, the halftime show is a hit-or-miss event (as in, you either want to dropkick the performer or miss the show altogether).  Instead of wasting our time with these happenings, why not kick it up a notch by doing harm to those who force us to watch horrible superbowl ads.  It would be a lot like American Idol.  After a selected set of commercials, viewers would phone in to vote on the one they liked best.  Winner receives unfathomed wealth.  Loser is forced to commit seppuku.  This allows the American people to exercise their god-given skills in identifying real talent and punish lazy bastards for failing creatively.  Game on.

3.)  Shock Collars or Points for Commentators - You know as well as I do, that many sports broadcasts are mired by the sheer awfulness of the comments made by the hosts.  I say we eliminate the possibility of being offended by bad game analysis by attaching a shock collar to every commentator.  That way they know we take our play-by-play seriously.  Conversely, we will award "Commentbucks" to hosts who regale us with unparalleled insight into the game.  These Commentbucks can used to buy Slim Jims and sodas for replenishing health, or aloe vera and bandages to ease the pain of failing to please the crowd.  Telling us about a player's favorite restaurant will be punished, insights such as "Boom goes the dynamite" can only lead you to glory.

4.)  Combine with Other Sports - If the game happens to go slowly (which is impossible thanks to #1 listed above), revive the sport by combining the superbowl with other displays of athleticism.  Set up basketball hoops in either endzone and force players to slam-dunk the football for their six points.  Players who fail to catch passes can be forced to complete the Krispy Kreme Challenge.  Competitive eating is also allowed.

5.)  Allow Only the Greatest of Fans to Call the Game - So many times I've sat around the television and heard a drunk and disgruntled viewer rabble on about how the they wouldn't have called a certain play, or how they wouldn't have called a timeout, or how football saved them from a life of prostitution.  I say we put this arm-chair coaching to rest, and let these great fans do what they've always wanted to do: Beast-f@ck the football game.  Seriously, let them flaunt the coaching prowess they've developed through nearly a decade of playing Madden (or Tecmo Bowl, if you've got the balls).  Give these people a headset and playbook and watch the befuddled "Holy shit. God. What?" look cross their faces as they attempt to decipher the x's and o's.  Although potentially painful, this will provide the rest of us with great mirth, and finally allow these morons a teachable moment wherein they learn that they need to shut the f@ck up.

Enjoy the game.  Jeer responsibly.  

Friday, February 4, 2011

For Your Consideration: The Tears Edition.

Who wins the ultimate crying competition:  Actress Julianne Moore or Speaker of the House John Boehner?

"Tears are Summer showers for the soul."