5 Reasons I won't see "The Tourist"

I was once again slurping down a runny quesadilla at the local Buffalo Wild Wings when I saw a trailer for the new action flick featuring Saint Angelina Jolie and Quirk-demigod Johnny Depp.  The trailer boasted quick confusing cuts of people doing shit, random loud gunshots, and lingering close ups of Jolie's over ripened lips.  Unfortunately, after seeing the ad I realized: I don't want to see this movie.  In fact, I have a hard time believing that this film will be nothing other than phantasmagorically boring (Italics for emphasis).  With that statement in mind, here are 5 reasons why "The Tourist" might make you decide to stay home instead.  <---Get it?  

Reason 1.  No naked Angelina Jolie.  This movie is rated PG-13, thus there will be a distinct lack of Jolie tatties.

Reason 2.  Johnny Depp's beard.  Have you seen that shit?!?  It's the saddest, most lonesome beard in world history, IMO (right up there with Michael Moore's ugly scruff.)  It's a tragedy to think that Depp borrows beards from homeless men.  Shame, Johnny, shame.

Reason 3.  This movie is set in Italy: Name one good movie set in Italy!  OH WAIT THAT'S RIGHT YOU CAN'T.  I rest my f@#king case.  I f@#king rest it.

Reason 4.  Blurry and Confused Paul Bettany.  Need I say more?  

"I feel...blurry today, Marcia."   

Reason 5.  I just spent my ticket money on 10 bags worth of snickers bars.  King size.