5 Ways to Spice Up Superbowl Sunday

Readers,

Today is the holiest day of the year  Superbowl Sunday, and I hope you and your family have readied a fatted calf in preparation for this momentous occasion.  Now, I will admit that the most recent Superbowls have been inspiring and exciting events, but in order to continue this steady trend of nipple-hardening action I propose that extra elements be added to sport in order to maintain the hype.  The name of the game is excess, an ideal so American it gets it's own spin-off, book deal, and clothing line.  With this thought in mind, I give you 5 ways to make the Superbowl even better.  Let's begin.

1.)  Give Selected Players Weapons - In order to add an element of "Surprise!" to the game, bestow all manner of weaponry upon the players.  These weapons will be dispersed as a "level up" for players who make excellent contributions to the game.  Sack the QB?  Get an RPG.  Make a key block?  Get a moldy brick.  This will level the playing field (literally) and stop all the nonsense talk about protecting the players from injury.  Who cares about concussions when Peyton Manning is using claymores as an extra level of defense?  I suggest chain mail and a gat for Aaron Rodgers, a net and trident for Ben Roethlisberger, and Troy Polamalu can have a billy club topped with a rusty nail.

2.)  Dis-honor killings for failed Superbowl Ads - Let's face it, the halftime show is a hit-or-miss event (as in, you either want to dropkick the performer or miss the show altogether).  Instead of wasting our time with these happenings, why not kick it up a notch by doing harm to those who force us to watch horrible superbowl ads.  It would be a lot like American Idol.  After a selected set of commercials, viewers would phone in to vote on the one they liked best.  Winner receives unfathomed wealth.  Loser is forced to commit seppuku.  This allows the American people to exercise their god-given skills in identifying real talent and punish lazy bastards for failing creatively.  Game on.

3.)  Shock Collars or Points for Commentators - You know as well as I do, that many sports broadcasts are mired by the sheer awfulness of the comments made by the hosts.  I say we eliminate the possibility of being offended by bad game analysis by attaching a shock collar to every commentator.  That way they know we take our play-by-play seriously.  Conversely, we will award "Commentbucks" to hosts who regale us with unparalleled insight into the game.  These Commentbucks can used to buy Slim Jims and sodas for replenishing health, or aloe vera and bandages to ease the pain of failing to please the crowd.  Telling us about a player's favorite restaurant will be punished, insights such as "Boom goes the dynamite" can only lead you to glory.

4.)  Combine with Other Sports - If the game happens to go slowly (which is impossible thanks to #1 listed above), revive the sport by combining the superbowl with other displays of athleticism.  Set up basketball hoops in either endzone and force players to slam-dunk the football for their six points.  Players who fail to catch passes can be forced to complete the Krispy Kreme Challenge.  Competitive eating is also allowed.

5.)  Allow Only the Greatest of Fans to Call the Game - So many times I've sat around the television and heard a drunk and disgruntled viewer rabble on about how the they wouldn't have called a certain play, or how they wouldn't have called a timeout, or how football saved them from a life of prostitution.  I say we put this arm-chair coaching to rest, and let these great fans do what they've always wanted to do: Beast-f@ck the football game.  Seriously, let them flaunt the coaching prowess they've developed through nearly a decade of playing Madden (or Tecmo Bowl, if you've got the balls).  Give these people a headset and playbook and watch the befuddled "Holy shit. God. What?" look cross their faces as they attempt to decipher the x's and o's.  Although potentially painful, this will provide the rest of us with great mirth, and finally allow these morons a teachable moment wherein they learn that they need to shut the f@ck up.

Enjoy the game.  Jeer responsibly.