Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Hello readers,

I feel as if it is imperative that we, as informed citizens of this earth, understand the latest propaganda topics that are being buzzed about at one's local water cooler or twitter feed. For this reason alone, I felt the need to discuss my views on what has been labeled "wiki-gate" by the liberal media that serves us so loyally. First of all, let me say that wikileaks is not something one can pick up at the fresh produce section at the organic market. No, in fact it is a group of people that leak information to the world. Really, thats all they do. I am not quite sure what qualifies someone as a professional leaker, but I am sure it involves a liberal arts degree and hipster glasses.
What I have gathered from their website and wikipedia page is that this leak of over 25,000 classified and unclassified government documents will make other countries that are less deserving than ours being to doubt our security. I mean, obviously when the prince of England is making snide remarks about military generals, this is of upmost secrecy and should only be privy to his facebook news feed (ed note: don't know if old edward has a facebook page- ed note note: he does). Apparently they have also done irreparable damage to our ambassador's legitimacy, outed thousands of deaths and shady dealings, but honestly, the bigger issue at hand is their inability to confirm whether or not Jake Gyllenhaal is dating Taylor Swift.
Dance like no one is watching!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Shakira v. Beyonce (Part 1)

Hey all!   This is my first blog post!  Thanks for checking out FAST PANDAS.  You know, I really struggled with finding an appropriate title for this blog as I was earnestly attempting to land a provocative and edgy label for my thoughts.  I'm hoping to capture a snapshot of the American zeitgeist through words, pictures, and the power of dance.  This is a big moment for me, I've never blogged before and as I write this I wonder if this is a critical moment in time that will forever define my life.
We all have these moments.   They are moments of principle; wherein the values we espouse determine the very fiber of who we become.  These moments have occurred three times in my life: 1.) On my second birthday I had to decide between getting a two-legged Dalmatian or a rusted tricycle 2.) In middle school when I had to choose between Corn dogs v.s. sloppy joes and the certain farts that would follow the consumption of either greasy snack 3.)  Skittles or M&M's.  All crucial, elemental, if you will.  

Last night was another similar moment wherein I felt the press and full weight of my beliefs hanging heavy upon my shoulders.  As I sat nibbling a quesadilla in the corner of the local Buffalo Wild Wings, it occurred that both Beyonce Knowles and Shakira appeared on two different large t.v. screens during a commercial break.  I remember this because I had briefly looked up from brainstorming blog titles in my moleskin notebook.  Instantly, it dawned upon me that it is nearly impossible to decide upon the overall greater masturbatibility of these two sex godde  vocal sirens.  It was a confusing moment for me, I confess that I spent a good five minutes trying to decide if I would rather enjoy the pleasures of "Bootylicious" or the "1/2 Colombian Ab-mistress" (Honestly, I prefer the translucent Bernadette Peters).  I mean, how can one arrive at a fully informed conclusion when choosing between these two thick-ass sex explosions? 

I spent about 10 HOURS researching the internet for a proper means to come to a reasonable conclusion that would fully determine the greater sex queen (see: wikipedia, /b/, wawa, pron). This was a challenge, like an equation in trigonometry, only that both sides of this equation had nipples.  After doing plenty of research, I realized that there were two main variables:


Muggin' family members subtract from the appeal of Bootyliciousness.

I don't like love Lebanon

After returning from Wild Wings at 5 a.m.and drinking six Four Loko's alone in my apartment, I realized: 
Muggin(BA) = Lebanon(SA)
After that I ate lunch. 

I hope this was informative, and made you think a little more about the greater society in which we live.  Live, love, laugh.