Wednesday, December 29, 2010

How to Start the New Year in Style

Hello readers,

Once again, The new year is upon us (Or as I like to call it, "That time of year when we decide to better ourselves but forget because we were drunk").  While New Year's should be a time of great mirth and merriment, many folk go apeshit and become miserable with the whole New Year's resolution deal.  In some cases, people go too far and the results are tragic.

Instead of working yourself into a frenzied panic over choosing, and completing, a New Year's resolution, I encourage you all to find a more progressive, laid-back approach to your next 365 days on planet earth.  Here are a few pointers...

1.)  Make a resolution to not make a resolution.  In this way, you can do nothing and accomplish something at the same time. 

2.)  Don't use protection.  That's right, no protection of ANY type.  It's overrated anyways, and takes the fun out of everything.  Instead live life on your mutherfuckin' terms.  So fuck the sunscreen, fuck raincoats, and pass the Valtrex.  

3.)  Engage in selective mutism.  How awesome would life be if you didn't have answer people when they talked to you?  On a scale of 1 to 10, the awesomeness would be at infinity.

     Boss: "Well John, you're getting a raise."
     John: "That's great! Thank you sir!"
     Boss: "By the way, did you send in that invoice?"
     John: "..."

4.)  Get a Brazilian.  Why not?  The benefits are a'plenty for both genders.  Ladies, you can experience excruciating pain for personal grooming your boyfriend may or may not notice.  Guys, you can experience excruciating pain and tell your friends about your newly smooth genitalia.  

Love like you've never been hurt before...

How to Hate without the Sweat

Hello Dear Readers: While we prepare for the upcoming apocalypse, we need to keep our minds and body in check. Therefore, I would like to share a few tips on how to maintain our composure during moments of heated, unadulterated hatred towards mankind. This idea stemmed from a recent run in with my ex's new partner. Of course she looked like a hood rat that had not seen the light of day in weeks, and instead of feeling pity for the fact that her insignificant toes extend beyond her big one, I just stood and judged. At the exact moment while I was inconspicuously making a face at her exposed brown thong, a good friend walked up to me and complimented my latest hair cut. Now, my friend would argue that he was merely 'rescuing me' but at that moment I knew that I made hating look good. And since it is the season for giving, I now present my trade secrets.

1. Never fear that someone does not like you. In all reality, that other person is in awe inspiring fear that you will not like them. Since that just happens to be the case, they are now enslaved in an eternal quest to change your opinion of them. This simple fact takes any pressure off of you and all the blame on the other person, thereby releasing you from stress induced wrinkles or grey hairs that would obviously subtract from your natural glow

2. Diffusion of hate. It is unwise to carry all of the world's hate on your shoulders, therefore it is necessary to share your thoughts of people's shortcomings with your coworkers, book club, bible study group and Avon representative. If everyone around you holds a little piece of that hate, you will feel relieved not only because you are surrounded by like-minded people that agree with everything you say, but you will feel the constant validation of being right.

3. Stay mysterious. The less people know about you, the more they want to know about you. At the same time, the less they know, the less they are able to hate on you. This essentially makes hating a one- way equation that gives you endless fodder for your brimstone and leaves the other party wanting more.

4. Stay unique. If you are going to spend your life hating on others, you need to maintain a fashion sense that separates you from the plebes. This will increase their need to be more like you, and at the same time, you become an icon for your social clique. The secret to being unique is not letting anyone know where you shop. If you find a bargain, do not sext your bff about it. Instead buy up the whole store and wear the shit out of those outfits. When you are eventually asked where you got that amazing Brighton bag, simply respond with "oh this old thing, its from two years ago, but my best friend gave it to me so I couldn't part with it." The poor fool that originally asked you will then feel bad that they cannot recognize an item from four seasons ago, and will also be reminded that they are not your bffl. Finally, if you do happen to come across a great designer article, do not show it off. Instead wear it casually as if money and class do not mean a thing to you. After all, its natural to be as great as you are.

Remember folks, time is the longest space between two distances

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Top 5 Ways to Shovel Snow

Hello Readers,

According to my spidey senses, the eastern seaboard is being hit by the blizzard of 12/10. Since I stand in solidarity with my eastern readers, I wanted to share some knowledge passed onto me by the Inuit during my semester abroad in Alaska. The following are the top 5 ways to rid your sidewalk, driveway, and your nostrils of that infamous white powder.

1. Eat it! While this sounds too good to be true, the best way to get rid of the unwanted snow is to open a makeshift shaved ice stand. While your neighbors wait in line for your snowy goodness, simply pour kool-aid over your backyard and shovel in your earnings!

You never know who will show up!

2. Stare it down! While I have been know to give some icy stares, some people have the uncanny ability to melt people's hearts and environment with their warm eyes. If you are one of these people, you should whore yourself out during these trying times and sculpt a beautiful ice garden for those nearest and dearest.

3. Take your snow somewhere else! Some people are unfortunate and never get to experience the great white way. If you simply take the snow to one of these places (Hawaii, Mexico, Wyoming), people are sure to treat you as a weather god.

4. Tarp it up! The hands down easiest way to keep snow off of your property is to make sure it never gets to your property. How can I manage this? Easy, just place a large weatherproof piece of fabric over your home and wait for the snow to come. Trust me, this is easy and safe, and will save you from some back breaking work!

5. Scoop it out! If the previous 4 methods fail (and trust me, they wont) you can resort to scooping it out with your shoes. You would preferably want to use a waterproof shoe, but flip flops work just as well. Shoes are this year's understated accessory, and its about time we pay more attention to that special article of clothing that doubles as a bowl, home for little people and toilet.

Thats all the knowledge I have today, but remember, do not lose the forest for the trees!

Friday, December 24, 2010

For the First Time Ever: For Your Consideration

Happy pre-Kwanzaa everyone!

While you all are busily bustling and gearing up for a winter celebration in the tradition of our African forefathers, I submit to you this question to consider over the holiday season:

For Your Consideration: In a fight to the death between Ving Rhames and Liam Neeson, with no given advantage to either party, who wins?

Ponder this.  Namaste

Monday, December 20, 2010

Three Underrated Hollywood Hits: A look at the Best Movies of 2009 and 2010

Readers, I apologize.  It's been too long since I've last shared the events of my life, thus barring you all from obtaining a glimpse into the glitzy, fast-lane, absolutely godless, cocaine-smeared-on-the-floor debauchery in which I've been indulging over the past two weeks.  Honestly, the past few days have tasted like a giant LSD flavored blur and I'm only now washing it's sticky sweet flavor from my mouth.  That being said, I noticed that four out of the five gatherings which I have attended have had two things in common: 1) great movies with great performances by great actors, and 2) a certain soreness in my anal areas when I poop the day after.  In light of seeing a great deal of cinema recently, I decided to share with you some of the more nuanced, reserved and underrated films and performances of our generation.  Enjoy...

George Lopez, Marmaduke (2010). 
1.)  In Marmaduke, Lopez gives voice to a (wait for it) street-smart latino  Balinese "Carlos" who befriends Owen Wilson's small-town Great Dane from Kansas.  Lopez's performance evokes a pathos and intelligence unexpected from a failed comedian desperately hanging on to a late-night viewership on TBS.  Who knew pretending to be a dog with a hispanic accent could be so haunting?  Moreover, the heart-felt friendship between Marmaduke and Carlos paints a beautiful metaphor reminding us that we can have friends of any ethnicity as long as they are willing and able to provide acceptable verification papers when we choose to pull them over.

Pissed off General, Avatar (2009).  
2.)  Avatar is quite possibly the most understated, nuanced, below-the-radar, subtle film I've ever seen.  A number of pundits and movie goers said that Avatar is a film about imperialism, or at least an ironic take on capitalism achieved by making the highest grossing film ever with the largest budget in film history, but I disagree, Cameron deserves more credit.  Instead, I realized that he had created a film addressing white america's continued struggle for freedom in the face oncoming oppression by the tyranny of illegal aliens from Mexico.  "Finally," I thought, "a movie tackling the real fears of everyday white people." Personifying the threat of invading, angry latins is "Pissed off General", played by some dude I've never seen before.  Nearly every word coming out of his mouth is some version of "pissed," "goddamn," "threesome," and "where's my Preparation H".  Kudos to you, old-guy actor, for being a courageous white man pretending to be a white man representing the reality of aggressive Mexicans with bad scalp problems waiting to pillage the United States.  

Greg Kinnear, The Last Song (2010).
3.) Thank God for Greg Kinnear, seriously. This man continues to provide us with breathtaking performance after performance (see Feast of Love, and the fourth Jason Bourne Movie).  In "The Last Song", Kinnear shows us how hard it is to love your daughter when she is Miley Cyrus. Kinnear's abilities are given an opportunity to shine as he transforms from a father with no connection to his bitchy teenage daughter to a totally awesome man-pal who does all types of heart-warming father-daughter stuff within 180 minutes.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Et tu, rich athlete?

In honor of the recently disgraced and completely oblivious Lebron James, I have decided to focus my spicy, guacamole-flavored hate energies on other professional athletes that have left fans completely bewildered and frothing in anger.  I will begin this blog by noting that although there are plenty of "ass-letes", there are many more hardworking and mature professionals that make sports enjoyable for the rest of us  most sports figures are involved in "douche-letics".

As if being paid sinfully obscene amounts of money weren't enough, professional athletes have made a practice of making sure that rules and other oh, say, federal laws don't apply to them.  Case in point: Ben Roethlisberger.

Who knew money could buy freedom...twice?

Not only do professional athletes remind us that the laws don't apply to them, they also inform us that they are physically, intellectually, morally, and sexually superior to the general populace.  Tiger Woods, anyone?

Tiger scopes the scene.

And when they aren't engaging in questionable behavior, cheating is always another option.                            

"Good, I can feel your anger." 

So why do we put up with ridiculous behavior from pro athletes?  Do we feel they shouldn't be held accountable?  Are we worried of irreparably damaging our heroes and heroines?  Or should we not care at all?  How much allowance should we give to someone who catches pigskins exceptionally well?  Or throws really hard?  Or is amazingly proficient at hitting a ball into a hole?  Readers, I know you don't have the answers to these questions.  Thank god I do.  And I'll let you figure it out while I try to weasel out of paying this parking prowess in online "Halo" tournaments has got to count for something.  Sing like no one is listening. 

Thursday, December 2, 2010

5 reasons USA did not host the World Cup of Soccer

Hello Readers,

As you may know by now, this plentiful country of ours will not be hosting the 2022 FiFA soccer (or futbol as it is called in other places that dont speak English) world cup. While running my daily 3k this morning, I was racking my brain as to why we, as a country, would be slighted in such a public manner. My mind, racing with endorphins, was only able to come up with 5 logical reasons:

1. America loves to race cars, especially out in the mid-south-west, but cannot necessarily get behind people kicking a ball down a field. It is obvious that the internation footballer community does not approve of this discrepancy.

2. We have our own version of football, and it does not entail the use of "off-sides" and is so technologically advanced that it incorporates instant video replays. This alone makes the need for us to host another "football" super bowl championship moot.

3. Our soccer players are not as scandalous as those from say, England or France, thus most people are unaware that we actually have professional soccer players. In order to garner the appropriate amount of soccer- related hysteria, the US Soccer team needs to slut it up.

4. Compared to other nations, our soccer announcers always sound like they are in desperate need of a '5 hour energy.'

5. Everyone is just jealous that we have a great economy and efficient, democratic government. Suck it, world!

Smile, because you never know who is looking!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

5 Reasons I won't see "The Tourist"

I was once again slurping down a runny quesadilla at the local Buffalo Wild Wings when I saw a trailer for the new action flick featuring Saint Angelina Jolie and Quirk-demigod Johnny Depp.  The trailer boasted quick confusing cuts of people doing shit, random loud gunshots, and lingering close ups of Jolie's over ripened lips.  Unfortunately, after seeing the ad I realized: I don't want to see this movie.  In fact, I have a hard time believing that this film will be nothing other than phantasmagorically boring (Italics for emphasis).  With that statement in mind, here are 5 reasons why "The Tourist" might make you decide to stay home instead.  <---Get it?  

Reason 1.  No naked Angelina Jolie.  This movie is rated PG-13, thus there will be a distinct lack of Jolie tatties.

Reason 2.  Johnny Depp's beard.  Have you seen that shit?!?  It's the saddest, most lonesome beard in world history, IMO (right up there with Michael Moore's ugly scruff.)  It's a tragedy to think that Depp borrows beards from homeless men.  Shame, Johnny, shame.

Reason 3.  This movie is set in Italy: Name one good movie set in Italy!  OH WAIT THAT'S RIGHT YOU CAN'T.  I rest my f@#king case.  I f@#king rest it.

Reason 4.  Blurry and Confused Paul Bettany.  Need I say more?  

"I feel...blurry today, Marcia."   

Reason 5.  I just spent my ticket money on 10 bags worth of snickers bars.  King size.