Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Top laws that any Longest Serving Woman in Congress would Enact

Hello Dear Readers,

As we speak the 1112 congress is being sworn in; another great example of the peaceful transfer of power in this great nation of ours. One of the great sound bites from this momentous moment is the fact that Barbara Mikulski (D- MD) is taking her seat as the longest serving woman in the senate, being re-elected for a fifth term. Now nothing screams superwoman as much as a 74 year old, 4 feet 11 inch tall, all brass and no balls politician. The question now is what she will do with her new found notoriety?! I am sure she has her own agenda and constituents to think of, but since I did receive my liberal arts degree in government and politics, I have a few tips that would ensure her title as longest woman in the senate:

1. Funnel all research money towards PMS. This should sound obvious enough: control the elevation and depression of hormones so that women do not feel the urge to kill everyone around them. Although you could argue that the law would be sexist (i.e. only benefit women) I would have you talk to any male in a heterosexual relationship and ask whether he lives in fear every fourth week out of the month. Also, if women could stop being so hormonal, then every family would get to come home to a clean, organized home and a bland, home cooked meal.

2. Tax breaks for cryers. Women have always appreciated a sensitive individual who is not afraid to get in touch with their more 'feminine' caring side. Therefore it would make sense that they would reward anyone who is not afraid to cry when they feel a little bit overwhelmed, scared, upset, in trouble, hungry, horny, or happy. This nation would benefit from people who aren't afraid to show their true colors.

3. Free pedicures. Men will never understand how expensive it is to be a woman. First, we need to spend money on birth control. Then we need to spend money on tampons and the adult equivalent of diapers. Then, during the warmer months, we need to keep our feet looking fresh to death or risk the humiliation of being compared to big foot. I do not see anything wrong with making it a tiny bit easier to be a fashion forward woman in these tough, economic times.

4. Outlaw bras. Now at this point, I am going to change the direction of this post and mention some issues that should be removed from our everyday existence. The first issue would be to liberate all women from the confines of undergarments, specifically bras. There is nothing wrong with letting the girls hang low, and if our ancestors were OK with it, then I am too. By going back to our pre- enclosure roots, we can appreciate the true beauty of a woman's body and start rebuilding the self esteem of all the little girls out there that saw their hopes of happiness shattered when Scarlett Johansson walked into the scene.
I can be beautiful too!

5. Outlaw the regular football season. Nothing adds to the chasm between men and women quite like football. Men essentially check out all of Sunday and Monday to watch other men tackle each other, throw a ball around, and jump on top of each other. Women are left to take care of the family, home and country and its time to stop the injustice. Instead, congress should focus on more family oriented programming that does not require male- male touching.

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different"

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

This B*tch Wants Me to Go to College!!

Readers, why does this ho want us to go to university?

"I went to cah-ledge!"
Now, I'm not knocking those of you who went to college and got your associates in Mideval Baking and Buggery.  I'm just not sure why Miss Sassypants thinks getting a higher education is the end-all, be-all to her entire life.  I mean, apparently she feels so strongly about getting us all ed-u-muh-kay-ted that she made an effing commercial about it:

It's a cute jingle, really.  It's hip and has a unique urban beat that young white people can dance to without feeling like they are "trying too hard".  However, nearly everything in this video is WRONG.  Lemme break  down five main falsehoods found in this video

1.) No one wants to be a waitress.  Verdict: WRONG.  In this video, Sassypants seems unsatisfied with her waitressing gig.  Ladies and gents let me tell you something: Waitressing is a goldmine.  That's right, working as a waiter is great.  You get to smell the aroma of food all day, walk around alot, and people just leave dollars on a table for you to keep!  Honestly, there are people in this country who would kill and maim a "Tickle Me Elmo" in order to work in the food industry.  Plus you can accessorize your outfits with mustard and ketchup bottles.

2.) The inturrrrrrnet?  Verdict: WRONG.  I'm not sure where the "inturrrrrnet" is, but apparently Sassypants went on there.

3.)  Mo' College, mo' cash.  Verdict: WRONG.  Sassypants, you ain't gonna get cash money 'CUZ NOBODY CAN GET A JOB RIGHT NOW B*TCH!!  Instead you will be super poor and spend time staring at the ceiling of your childhood bedroom while asking your mother to separate your tighty whities from your Return of the Jedi socks.

4.)  A Test Can Match You with the Right College.  Verdict: WRONG.  What happens if you're too dumb to pass the pre-test?  Ever thought of that?  Or what if you score at the "serial killer" level?  Or if the test tells you that you should try out a career as a bagel?  Who do they match you with?  Listen, I know we all need to find out our die-reckt-shun, but why should we let a computer test tell us how to live our I've stopped caring.

5.)  Ending a Commercial with Creepy Circus Music Increases Appeal.  Verdict: WRONG.

Don't look at me like that Sassypants.  It's not becoming.

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste..."