Tuesday, January 4, 2011

This B*tch Wants Me to Go to College!!

Readers, why does this ho want us to go to university?

"I went to cah-ledge!"
Now, I'm not knocking those of you who went to college and got your associates in Mideval Baking and Buggery.  I'm just not sure why Miss Sassypants thinks getting a higher education is the end-all, be-all to her entire life.  I mean, apparently she feels so strongly about getting us all ed-u-muh-kay-ted that she made an effing commercial about it:

It's a cute jingle, really.  It's hip and has a unique urban beat that young white people can dance to without feeling like they are "trying too hard".  However, nearly everything in this video is WRONG.  Lemme break  down five main falsehoods found in this video

1.) No one wants to be a waitress.  Verdict: WRONG.  In this video, Sassypants seems unsatisfied with her waitressing gig.  Ladies and gents let me tell you something: Waitressing is a goldmine.  That's right, working as a waiter is great.  You get to smell the aroma of food all day, walk around alot, and people just leave dollars on a table for you to keep!  Honestly, there are people in this country who would kill and maim a "Tickle Me Elmo" in order to work in the food industry.  Plus you can accessorize your outfits with mustard and ketchup bottles.

2.) The inturrrrrrnet?  Verdict: WRONG.  I'm not sure where the "inturrrrrnet" is, but apparently Sassypants went on there.

3.)  Mo' College, mo' cash.  Verdict: WRONG.  Sassypants, you ain't gonna get cash money 'CUZ NOBODY CAN GET A JOB RIGHT NOW B*TCH!!  Instead you will be super poor and spend time staring at the ceiling of your childhood bedroom while asking your mother to separate your tighty whities from your Return of the Jedi socks.

4.)  A Test Can Match You with the Right College.  Verdict: WRONG.  What happens if you're too dumb to pass the pre-test?  Ever thought of that?  Or what if you score at the "serial killer" level?  Or if the test tells you that you should try out a career as a bagel?  Who do they match you with?  Listen, I know we all need to find out our die-reckt-shun, but why should we let a computer test tell us how to live our I've stopped caring.

5.)  Ending a Commercial with Creepy Circus Music Increases Appeal.  Verdict: WRONG.

Don't look at me like that Sassypants.  It's not becoming.

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste..."

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