Thursday, February 3, 2011

Five reasons THIS should have been an abortion...

Readers, every once in a while the human condition allows us to experience something or frankly, someone, that gets our eyes to rolling and our heads to shaking; to behold an event so pathetic and preposterous that it makes us seethe with rage, or lol beyond our control.  It's an occurrence that doesn't happen often, but when it does only one thought passes through your head: "That should have been an abortion".

Don't act like it's never happened to you!  You've had that thought before.  Perhaps that time when you first saw your sister-in-law accidentally sent a sext to your sister-in-law, or made that hasty decision to "take a year off and find yourself"... or when you looked in the mirror this morning (it gets better).  As it turns out, I happened to come across another cringe-inducing, shit-filled, spit-slurping endeavor, an event so tragic and utterly confusing that it deserves a personal, passionate, steaming hate-f@ck from yours truly followed by a golden shower from Saddam Hussein's corpse.  It's on NBC, it's called The Cape, and it's  a television show whose premise I firmly believe was spawned after a studio exec read his previous night's drunken attempt at completing a mad lib.  I recently showed the pilot to my five year-old nephew, Jayquan.  Within five minutes he got up from the tv and walked away muttering "This shit is played out, where's the skittles."  The Cape should have been an abortion, and here's why:
Why'd they change the name of the Assassin's Creed franchise? 
1.)  The protagonist blows man-balls.  In the pilot, the audience is introduced to the hero Vince Faraday (see below), a mind-numbingly stupid cop who has a wife, a kid, maybe a porn collection, and some other boring shit.  We don't really get to know anything about who Vince is, because his detective skills fail him, and he is immediately betrayed by his sleazy African-American cop partner (for reasons unexplained).  It gets better.
Zuckerberg can ACT.  
2.)  The First Twenty minutes.  Within the first twenty minutes, Vince is framed for murder, explosions happen, he is declared dead, attends his own funeral, decides to become a super hero, loses his virginity, and finds a weird sheet that he drunkenly mistakes for a cape.  Question: Why does he become a superhero?  Answer: To "take back the city", an ambiguous, boring suburbia that no one gives a Mcf@ck about because all we've seen so far in this episode is Vince being framed for murder, being declared dead, attending his own...yeah.  Why doesn't he go to the authorities?  Why doesn't he try to clear his name the sane way?  Instead, he seems totally unfazed about being declared dead, and hangs out with some gypsies while becoming a super hero by using the cape to convince everyone he's an excellent matador.  Godd@mn, my head hurts.

3.)  The antagonist isn't antagonistic.  
This is the villain.   He's holding a cell phone.
As villain, this lizard looking guy, Chess, is hell-bent on world  city-wide domination.  Fine, but how does he accomplish this?  By privatizing the city police force, because that makes loads of sense.  Rather than accomplish his goals by sensible means (politics, blackmail, gangs) he takes the LEAST circumspect and MOST controversial route possible.  And why in the f@ck would the city just let the tax payers' police force undergo such an overhaul?   The Cape doesn't even try to answer that question.  It's like walking into your house and finding that your wife has a baby in her arms that you've never seen before.  Confused, you ask "hey honey, when did you become pregnant and give birth?"  She responds with "Ain't no thang, we good."

4.)  What is the point of Summer Glau?  

In The Cape, Summer Glau shows up as this feistyreporterbitch type with a fancy minority report style computer and some ferrari car that she has earned through magic and nude centerfolds.  For some reason she decides to help the Cape, but no one tells us why.  'Nuff said.   

5.)  Every Luke Skywalker has a Yoda and Obi-Wan...then there's these guys.  

When not training the protagonist, they moonlight at the "Milk and Honey" club.  
Jesus, where's the decency?  When not utterly failing at creating compelling antagonists, The Cape chooses to fail at creating secondary characters.  The protagonist is trained to hero-dom by random members of the freak show "Shits and Giggles" brigade consisting of a little person, some mind reader, a crazy contortionist, and a black dude (In The Cape, ethnicity is also be considered a handicap).  This crazy melting pot crew is introduced in the first twenty minutes of the pilot, and they immediately decide that they want to assist the mentally ill protagonist.  But why?  Again, character motivation is nonexistent. 

Every once in a while, you experience an event that you realize should have been an abortion.  And this time around, it's NBC that "delivered" the goods.  

"You are what you see."  


  1. >read the title of this post

    >scroll down

    >see The Cape

    >>lol'd for a good five minutes

  2. I am so glad I haven't heard of this until now... The Villain looks like a penis head with eyes. I'll be sure to avoid this if I see it on TV. THANK YOU!