Thursday, February 17, 2011

They're Taking Over the F@cking World and No One is Noticing

My God.  Readers, we've been hoodwinked.  Here's why...

I paid little attention when Will Smith starred in the 2006 film The Pursuit of Happyness with his son, Jaden.   It seemed harmless for a mega-star to show off his kid to the entire world.  Similarly, I barely noticed when Willow Smith had a small role in 2007's I am Legend.  Looking back on it, I realize that it was just the beginning, a few drops in the tidal wave of oppression known as "Will Smith's Progeny".  I should have warned someone.  I know, I know, I thought the same thing you're thinking right now: "Little Jaden and teeny Willow?  No way, dude."  But I swear to you, these two are poised to become our overlords, and I'm not sure that I welcome them.

Future Overlordz
It started small; Jaden's role in The Day the Earth Stood Still, Willow's announcement of a music career, but it didn't stop there. Like many of you, I did a double-take when it was announced that a black kid Jaden Smith would star in the Karate Kid remake.  Then in 2010 Willow Smith had the entire western world rattling in synchronized fits of epilepsy with her hit song "Whip My Hair".

Back and forth...
Finally, after lulling us into complacency with their hip style and shiny toothed grins, Variety magazine posted this in January 2011.

That's right, America.  The Smith spawn are taking over our country one Hollywood remake and Billboard hit at a time.  I'm sweating profusely as I write this.  What else can they redo and remake?  What other classics can be power-raped for their satisfaction?  Check the following list of potential Smith remakes:

1.)  Dirty Dancing - WHY?: We already know that Jaden Smith can dance, but what happens when brother and sister dance together 

2.)  Chinatown - WHY?: Because the phrase "She's my sister AND my daughter" will take on a whole different meaning.

3.)  The Dark Knight Rises - WHY?: Because it's not even out yet.

4.)  The Passion of the Christ - WHY?: Because Jaden Smith as Black Jesus = A.) controversy B.) a 2-Disc DVD release that leads to C.) Mad amounts of money and D.) hearty lol's for all.

5.)  Independence Day - WHY?: Because like father, like son...and daughter.

Honorable Mention: Lars Von Trier's Antichrist.

"God help us all." - Barack Obama, 2011.


  1. I like Will Smith, I'm not sure about his son, hope he won't get in drugs or something like that like other children who were famous too soon.

  2. To be honest i hardly even knew about them....

  3. First off dude, Whip My Hair is an excellent song, don't even try to deny that shit. Secondly, the worst possible remake that Smith is actually attached to (especially if his kids become involved) is Oldboy. That's right, Will Smith wants to play Oh-Dae Su. And that would mean Willow would have to...yeah. Oh, and there would be squids.
    Lol'd heartily at the Chinatown concept, btw.