Monday, February 7, 2011

How the Oscars Can Stop Sucking


As a cinephile and movie-masturbator prolific taker of undergrad "FiLmZ 101" courses, you might find that many a post will in some way involve movies, documentaries, films, filthy rich actors, filthy actors, and all around grade-A Hollywood garbage.  That being said, I felt it necessary to cast a disapproving eye on the vom-inducing ceremony dedicated to the god of Cinema: The Academy Awards.

I'll admit that I greatly enjoyed the Academy Awards in the most "no homo" of ways.  I relished tuning into the show and being subtly reminded that I was an unworthy bitch, and would never enjoy the AARP approved hedonism Jack Nicholson gets before breakfast.  However, a change occurred.  In 2009, after three straight years of Oscar enjoyment, the squirms of delight that I previously experienced when watching the awards show gave way to a hesitant excitement, which in turn fell victim to painful intestinal gas and a metallic taste in my mouth.  There was an enlightenment, an epiphany, and it was then that I understood the rules of the Oscars.  It was these rules that led me to believe that the Academy Awards suck the dustiest of ballsacks, and must be changed.  The rules are as follows:

1.)  If You want a Best Picture Nomination, make a film about British royalty. As a director, you won't have to do shit.  You won't even need a script.  All you'll need to do is grab some old British people, give them wigs, put them in colorful robes, and make them say some patriotic stuff like "England Prevails!!" The critics will cream themselves repeatedly at the idea of cucumber sandwiches, and the pronunciation of words including "buh' uns" (buttons) and "tee" (tea).

2.) You May be Rewarded for Showing Skin.  This is a iffy rule, as sometimes this guideline is honored (see: Halle Berry Monster's Ball) or overlooked (see: Every Ewan McGregor film).  However, females can generally be assured that revealing a nipple, allowing the camera to linger on butt-cheeks, or going full lez will be rewarded if such scenes are "in context" or "something that the character would do".  Men are not awarded such pleasantries, however a guy's chances are greatly increased if he is in a film about British royalty.

3.) Make a Film that "Raises Awareness".  By directing, starring, or being an extra in a film that raises awareness, you are inherently making a tangible difference in our global society, and therefore deserve an Academy Award.  Want us to realize that everyone in L.A. is racist?  Bless us with Crash.  Want to educate us on the struggles of gay men in the '70s in California?  Give us Milk.  A note of warning: avoid raising awareness concerning injustices in other countries unless your subject material is the holocaust.  If you feel pressed to make a "film" about Africa, it's accepted as long as the protagonist is Leonardo DiCaprio.  However making a movie about India is about as progressive as you can get.

4.) Like Sci-Fi and Fantasy?  Well F@ck you.  This doesn't need explaining.

5.)  If You Don't at First Succeed, Go Bad-Ass.  In 1999, Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, and Sean Penn were up for Best Actor for portraying a wrongly accused boxer, a whistleblower, and an arrogant, obnoxious asshole (Penn didn't have to try).  None of the men won that night, however all three returned within four years to win awards for performances in GladiatorTraining Day, and Mystic River.  Washington and company effectively employed the "Go Bad-Ass" routine, a career move often characterized by increased swearing, tattoos, killing innocent people, and letting others know that "King-Kong ain't got shit on me."  So remember, if you feel that your performance has been overlooked, take on a role that lets you f@ck up everyone's world and get dat gold, right Clay Davis?

Note: I have omitted the ultimate rule concerning the Academy Awards, "Make a Holocaust Film", as this is a universal truth understood to everyone.  


  1. There's a drinking game in here, I just know it.

  2. But I love sci-fi and fantasy so much.
    Oscars, I'm disappoint.

  3. I haven't watched the Oscars for a long time...I'll probably keep it that way

  4. No worries that I missed them then haha

  5. I agree with most of this! nice to know some people think the same way haha

  6. Similar views on my behalf.

    Nice blog xx

  7. Haha, number 5 is so true. I heard The King's Speech was actually pretty good, but come on! Also how mad are you that Black Swan won't win director or picture? Because it doesn't have a snowball's chance it hell.