5 Ways to Spice Up Superbowl Sunday

Readers,

Today is the holiest day of the year  Superbowl Sunday, and I hope you and your family have readied a fatted calf in preparation for this momentous occasion.  Now, I will admit that the most recent Superbowls have been inspiring and exciting events, but in order to continue this steady trend of nipple-hardening action I propose that extra elements be added to sport in order to maintain the hype.  The name of the game is excess, an ideal so American it gets it's own spin-off, book deal, and clothing line.  With this thought in mind, I give you 5 ways to make the Superbowl even better.  Let's begin.

1.)  Give Selected Players Weapons - In order to add an element of "Surprise!" to the game, bestow all manner of weaponry upon the players.  These weapons will be dispersed as a "level up" for players who make excellent contributions to the game.  Sack the QB?  Get an RPG.  Make a key block?  Get a moldy brick.  This will level the playing field (literally) and stop all the nonsense talk about protecting the players from injury.  Who cares about concussions when Peyton Manning is using claymores as an extra level of defense?  I suggest chain mail and a gat for Aaron Rodgers, a net and trident for Ben Roethlisberger, and Troy Polamalu can have a billy club topped with a rusty nail.

2.)  Dis-honor killings for failed Superbowl Ads - Let's face it, the halftime show is a hit-or-miss event (as in, you either want to dropkick the performer or miss the show altogether).  Instead of wasting our time with these happenings, why not kick it up a notch by doing harm to those who force us to watch horrible superbowl ads.  It would be a lot like American Idol.  After a selected set of commercials, viewers would phone in to vote on the one they liked best.  Winner receives unfathomed wealth.  Loser is forced to commit seppuku.  This allows the American people to exercise their god-given skills in identifying real talent and punish lazy bastards for failing creatively.  Game on.

3.)  Shock Collars or Points for Commentators - You know as well as I do, that many sports broadcasts are mired by the sheer awfulness of the comments made by the hosts.  I say we eliminate the possibility of being offended by bad game analysis by attaching a shock collar to every commentator.  That way they know we take our play-by-play seriously.  Conversely, we will award "Commentbucks" to hosts who regale us with unparalleled insight into the game.  These Commentbucks can used to buy Slim Jims and sodas for replenishing health, or aloe vera and bandages to ease the pain of failing to please the crowd.  Telling us about a player's favorite restaurant will be punished, insights such as "Boom goes the dynamite" can only lead you to glory.

4.)  Combine with Other Sports - If the game happens to go slowly (which is impossible thanks to #1 listed above), revive the sport by combining the superbowl with other displays of athleticism.  Set up basketball hoops in either endzone and force players to slam-dunk the football for their six points.  Players who fail to catch passes can be forced to complete the Krispy Kreme Challenge.  Competitive eating is also allowed.

5.)  Allow Only the Greatest of Fans to Call the Game - So many times I've sat around the television and heard a drunk and disgruntled viewer rabble on about how the they wouldn't have called a certain play, or how they wouldn't have called a timeout, or how football saved them from a life of prostitution.  I say we put this arm-chair coaching to rest, and let these great fans do what they've always wanted to do: Beast-f@ck the football game.  Seriously, let them flaunt the coaching prowess they've developed through nearly a decade of playing Madden (or Tecmo Bowl, if you've got the balls).  Give these people a headset and playbook and watch the befuddled "Holy shit. God. What?" look cross their faces as they attempt to decipher the x's and o's.  Although potentially painful, this will provide the rest of us with great mirth, and finally allow these morons a teachable moment wherein they learn that they need to shut the f@ck up.

Enjoy the game.  Jeer responsibly.  

For Your Consideration: The Tears Edition.

Who wins the ultimate crying competition:  Actress Julianne Moore or Speaker of the House John Boehner?

"Tears are Summer showers for the soul."

Five Television Shows to Watch in 2011

Long time no see, Readers.

Having been inspired by my expose on television's recent assault on viewers, I have decided not to leave you in a state of comatose-like depression created by aforementioned assault, but instead attempt to lift your spirits by suggesting five excellent shows. Perhaps this will leave you feeling somewhat more positive about the creativity, art, and orgiastic amounts of money-making that is the entertainment industry.  I want you all to know that there is more to television than the following:

Hell Date, BET., Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?, FOX., Minute to Win It, NBC...All quality programming.  

   Without further ado, I bring to you the messiahs of television 2011:

1.)  Breaking Bad, AMC - Last week I saw a car accident.  It was a wreck so uncompromisingly glorious that I nearly crashed my own vehicle while rubbernecking.  Breaking Bad is television's glorious car wreck; a show so tense your buttcheeks will clench together in glee and exuberant horror as you watch.  Veteran actor Bryan Cranston is Walter White, a terminally ill, middle-aged, high-school chemistry teacher who turns to cooking meth to provide for his family.  The resulting tale is a white-hot descent into a moral maelstrom as Walter's deal with the devil causes all hell to break loose.




2.)  Mad Men, AMC - I love watching rich white men do whatever the f@ck they want, whenever they want, to whomever they please.  I enjoy it much more when it's set in the 1960s and the main character is a brooding, yet dashing, alcoholic.  Just when you think Jon Hamm's turn as the liquor guzzling, testosterone sweating, ad man Don Draper is enough excitement for one day, Mad Men turns it up a notch with a fine supporting cast that keeps the ball rolling.  The series continues to be an excellent insight into a number of critical social issues including civil rights, the women's movement, Vietnam, and changing social mores all seen through the eyes of the richest, classiest badass in New York who is far more concerned with the style of his cufflinks and making everyone else his bitch.  So tune in to Mad Men, and watch as Don Draper obliviously drinks and f@cks his way to happiness while the cultural shift of the 1960s roars across the U.S.

3.)  It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX - In case you need time to let your awe inspired boner subside after watching Breaking Bad or Mad Men, check out FX's breakout comedy It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  The show follows the supernaturally insane antics of five friends, "the gang", who own a bar in Philly.  When not getting pregnant, kidnapping families, or naming their cat Jack Bauer, the gang puts on local theater productions for the community.  The Nightman Cometh, anyone?

4.)  Parks and Recreation, NBC - I have to give credit to NBC for greenlighting a show focusing on the banalities of local government in the fictional city of Pawnee, Indiana.  Parks and Rec features Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope, an effervescent government official dedicated to making local government work for the people.  The mockumentary style comedy is given a superstar boost from the likes of funnygod Aziz Ansari, and one of the greatest television characters ever, Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson (above).  Don't you wanna make love to that moustache?

Not your momma's Spartacus. 

5.)  Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Starz - Spartacus: Blood and Sand makes no apologies for being what it is: the most violent porno ever filmed.  When Spartacus isn't flashing sweat-glistening titties or flaunting graphic depictions of wild, lights-on, no-lube cheetah-style sex, it's saturating the audience with gore unlimited.  I kid you not, there is at least one decapitation, blood spray, or f@ck session per episode; sometimes these elements are combined into the same scene.  My nephew, Jayquan, loves the show.  He's five.  So if you're up for mindless violence with the intrigue of a soap opera and actual character development, be sure to check out the only show that boasts gallons of blood equal to the amount of hate mail Lebron receives from Cleveland.

As this is a Top 5 list, there will obviously be some shows left out of the running.  Leave a message if there's a show you think deserves a lil' lovin' from the Panda community.  More than likely it's a shitty show, but seriously, give it a shot.  

Five reasons THIS should have been an abortion...

Readers, every once in a while the human condition allows us to experience something or frankly, someone, that gets our eyes to rolling and our heads to shaking; to behold an event so pathetic and preposterous that it makes us seethe with rage, or lol beyond our control.  It's an occurrence that doesn't happen often, but when it does only one thought passes through your head: "That should have been an abortion".

Don't act like it's never happened to you!  You've had that thought before.  Perhaps that time when you first saw your sister-in-law accidentally sent a sext to your sister-in-law, or made that hasty decision to "take a year off and find yourself"... or when you looked in the mirror this morning (it gets better).  As it turns out, I happened to come across another cringe-inducing, shit-filled, spit-slurping endeavor, an event so tragic and utterly confusing that it deserves a personal, passionate, steaming hate-f@ck from yours truly followed by a golden shower from Saddam Hussein's corpse.  It's on NBC, it's called The Cape, and it's  a television show whose premise I firmly believe was spawned after a studio exec read his previous night's drunken attempt at completing a mad lib.  I recently showed the pilot to my five year-old nephew, Jayquan.  Within five minutes he got up from the tv and walked away muttering "This shit is played out, where's the skittles."  The Cape should have been an abortion, and here's why:

Why'd they change the name of the Assassin's Creed franchise? 

1.)  The protagonist blows man-balls.  In the pilot, the audience is introduced to the hero Vince Faraday (see below), a mind-numbingly stupid cop who has a wife, a kid, maybe a porn collection, and some other boring shit.  We don't really get to know anything about who Vince is, because his detective skills fail him, and he is immediately betrayed by his sleazy African-American cop partner (for reasons unexplained).  It gets better.

Zuckerberg can ACT.  

2.)  The First Twenty minutes.  Within the first twenty minutes, Vince is framed for murder, explosions happen, he is declared dead, attends his own funeral, decides to become a super hero, loses his virginity, and finds a weird sheet that he drunkenly mistakes for a cape.  Question: Why does he become a superhero?  Answer: To "take back the city", an ambiguous, boring suburbia that no one gives a Mcf@ck about because all we've seen so far in this episode is Vince being framed for murder, being declared dead, attending his own...yeah.  Why doesn't he go to the authorities?  Why doesn't he try to clear his name the sane way?  Instead, he seems totally unfazed about being declared dead, and hangs out with some gypsies while becoming a super hero by using the cape to convince everyone he's an excellent matador.  Godd@mn, my head hurts.

3.)  The antagonist isn't antagonistic.  

This is the villain.   He's holding a cell phone.

As villain, this lizard looking guy, Chess, is hell-bent on world  city-wide domination.  Fine, but how does he accomplish this?  By privatizing the city police force, because that makes loads of sense.  Rather than accomplish his goals by sensible means (politics, blackmail, gangs) he takes the LEAST circumspect and MOST controversial route possible.  And why in the f@ck would the city just let the tax payers' police force undergo such an overhaul?   The Cape doesn't even try to answer that question.  It's like walking into your house and finding that your wife has a baby in her arms that you've never seen before.  Confused, you ask "hey honey, when did you become pregnant and give birth?"  She responds with "Ain't no thang, we good."

4.)  What is the point of Summer Glau?  

In The Cape, Summer Glau shows up as this feistyreporterbitch type with a fancy minority report style computer and some ferrari car that she has earned through magic and nude centerfolds.  For some reason she decides to help the Cape, but no one tells us why.  'Nuff said.   

5.)  Every Luke Skywalker has a Yoda and Obi-Wan...then there's these guys.  

When not training the protagonist, they moonlight at the "Milk and Honey" club.  

Jesus, where's the decency?  When not utterly failing at creating compelling antagonists, The Cape chooses to fail at creating secondary characters.  The protagonist is trained to hero-dom by random members of the freak show "Shits and Giggles" brigade consisting of a little person, some mind reader, a crazy contortionist, and a black dude (In The Cape, ethnicity is also be considered a handicap).  This crazy melting pot crew is introduced in the first twenty minutes of the pilot, and they immediately decide that they want to assist the mentally ill protagonist.  But why?  Again, character motivation is nonexistent. 

Every once in a while, you experience an event that you realize should have been an abortion.  And this time around, it's NBC that "delivered" the goods.  

"You are what you see."  

Top laws that any Longest Serving Woman in Congress would Enact

Hello Dear Readers,

As we speak the 1112 congress is being sworn in; another great example of the peaceful transfer of power in this great nation of ours. One of the great sound bites from this momentous moment is the fact that Barbara Mikulski (D- MD) is taking her seat as the longest serving woman in the senate, being re-elected for a fifth term. Now nothing screams superwoman as much as a 74 year old, 4 feet 11 inch tall, all brass and no balls politician. The question now is what she will do with her new found notoriety?! I am sure she has her own agenda and constituents to think of, but since I did receive my liberal arts degree in government and politics, I have a few tips that would ensure her title as longest woman in the senate:

1. Funnel all research money towards PMS. This should sound obvious enough: control the elevation and depression of hormones so that women do not feel the urge to kill everyone around them. Although you could argue that the law would be sexist (i.e. only benefit women) I would have you talk to any male in a heterosexual relationship and ask whether he lives in fear every fourth week out of the month. Also, if women could stop being so hormonal, then every family would get to come home to a clean, organized home and a bland, home cooked meal.

2. Tax breaks for cryers. Women have always appreciated a sensitive individual who is not afraid to get in touch with their more 'feminine' caring side. Therefore it would make sense that they would reward anyone who is not afraid to cry when they feel a little bit overwhelmed, scared, upset, in trouble, hungry, horny, or happy. This nation would benefit from people who aren't afraid to show their true colors.

3. Free pedicures. Men will never understand how expensive it is to be a woman. First, we need to spend money on birth control. Then we need to spend money on tampons and the adult equivalent of diapers. Then, during the warmer months, we need to keep our feet looking fresh to death or risk the humiliation of being compared to big foot. I do not see anything wrong with making it a tiny bit easier to be a fashion forward woman in these tough, economic times.

4. Outlaw bras. Now at this point, I am going to change the direction of this post and mention some issues that should be removed from our everyday existence. The first issue would be to liberate all women from the confines of undergarments, specifically bras. There is nothing wrong with letting the girls hang low, and if our ancestors were OK with it, then I am too. By going back to our pre- enclosure roots, we can appreciate the true beauty of a woman's body and start rebuilding the self esteem of all the little girls out there that saw their hopes of happiness shattered when Scarlett Johansson walked into the scene.

I can be beautiful too!

5. Outlaw the regular football season. Nothing adds to the chasm between men and women quite like football. Men essentially check out all of Sunday and Monday to watch other men tackle each other, throw a ball around, and jump on top of each other. Women are left to take care of the family, home and country and its time to stop the injustice. Instead, congress should focus on more family oriented programming that does not require male- male touching.

"In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different"

This B*tch Wants Me to Go to College!!

Readers, why does this ho want us to go to university?

"I went to cah-ledge!"

Now, I'm not knocking those of you who went to college and got your associates in Mideval Baking and Buggery.  I'm just not sure why Miss Sassypants thinks getting a higher education is the end-all, be-all to her entire life.  I mean, apparently she feels so strongly about getting us all ed-u-muh-kay-ted that she made an effing commercial about it:

It's a cute jingle, really.  It's hip and has a unique urban beat that young white people can dance to without feeling like they are "trying too hard".  However, nearly everything in this video is WRONG.  Lemme break  down five main falsehoods found in this video

1.) No one wants to be a waitress.  Verdict: WRONG.  In this video, Sassypants seems unsatisfied with her waitressing gig.  Ladies and gents let me tell you something: Waitressing is a goldmine.  That's right, working as a waiter is great.  You get to smell the aroma of food all day, walk around alot, and people just leave dollars on a table for you to keep!  Honestly, there are people in this country who would kill and maim a "Tickle Me Elmo" in order to work in the food industry.  Plus you can accessorize your outfits with mustard and ketchup bottles.

HAWT

2.) The inturrrrrrnet?  Verdict: WRONG.  I'm not sure where the "inturrrrrnet" is, but apparently Sassypants went on there.

3.)  Mo' College, mo' cash.  Verdict: WRONG.  Sassypants, you ain't gonna get cash money 'CUZ NOBODY CAN GET A JOB RIGHT NOW B*TCH!!  Instead you will be super poor and spend time staring at the ceiling of your childhood bedroom while asking your mother to separate your tighty whities from your Return of the Jedi socks.

4.)  A Test Can Match You with the Right College.  Verdict: WRONG.  What happens if you're too dumb to pass the pre-test?  Ever thought of that?  Or what if you score at the "serial killer" level?  Or if the test tells you that you should try out a career as a bagel?  Who do they match you with?  Listen, I know we all need to find out our die-reckt-shun, but why should we let a computer test tell us how to live our I've stopped caring.

5.)  Ending a Commercial with Creepy Circus Music Increases Appeal.  Verdict: WRONG.

Don't look at me like that Sassypants.  It's not becoming.

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste..."

How to Start the New Year in Style

Hello readers,

Once again, The new year is upon us (Or as I like to call it, "That time of year when we decide to better ourselves but forget because we were drunk").  While New Year's should be a time of great mirth and merriment, many folk go apeshit and become miserable with the whole New Year's resolution deal.  In some cases, people go too far and the results are tragic.

Instead of working yourself into a frenzied panic over choosing, and completing, a New Year's resolution, I encourage you all to find a more progressive, laid-back approach to your next 365 days on planet earth.  Here are a few pointers...

1.)  Make a resolution to not make a resolution.  In this way, you can do nothing and accomplish something at the same time. 

2.)  Don't use protection.  That's right, no protection of ANY type.  It's overrated anyways, and takes the fun out of everything.  Instead live life on your mutherfuckin' terms.  So fuck the sunscreen, fuck raincoats, and pass the Valtrex.  

3.)  Engage in selective mutism.  How awesome would life be if you didn't have answer people when they talked to you?  On a scale of 1 to 10, the awesomeness would be at infinity.

Example: 

     Boss: "Well John, you're getting a raise."

     John: "That's great! Thank you sir!"

     Boss: "By the way, did you send in that invoice?"

     John: "..."

4.)  Get a Brazilian.  Why not?  The benefits are a'plenty for both genders.  Ladies, you can experience excruciating pain for personal grooming your boyfriend may or may not notice.  Guys, you can experience excruciating pain and tell your friends about your newly smooth genitalia.  

Love like you've never been hurt before...