Wednesday, December 29, 2010

How to Hate without the Sweat

Hello Dear Readers: While we prepare for the upcoming apocalypse, we need to keep our minds and body in check. Therefore, I would like to share a few tips on how to maintain our composure during moments of heated, unadulterated hatred towards mankind. This idea stemmed from a recent run in with my ex's new partner. Of course she looked like a hood rat that had not seen the light of day in weeks, and instead of feeling pity for the fact that her insignificant toes extend beyond her big one, I just stood and judged. At the exact moment while I was inconspicuously making a face at her exposed brown thong, a good friend walked up to me and complimented my latest hair cut. Now, my friend would argue that he was merely 'rescuing me' but at that moment I knew that I made hating look good. And since it is the season for giving, I now present my trade secrets.

1. Never fear that someone does not like you. In all reality, that other person is in awe inspiring fear that you will not like them. Since that just happens to be the case, they are now enslaved in an eternal quest to change your opinion of them. This simple fact takes any pressure off of you and all the blame on the other person, thereby releasing you from stress induced wrinkles or grey hairs that would obviously subtract from your natural glow

2. Diffusion of hate. It is unwise to carry all of the world's hate on your shoulders, therefore it is necessary to share your thoughts of people's shortcomings with your coworkers, book club, bible study group and Avon representative. If everyone around you holds a little piece of that hate, you will feel relieved not only because you are surrounded by like-minded people that agree with everything you say, but you will feel the constant validation of being right.

3. Stay mysterious. The less people know about you, the more they want to know about you. At the same time, the less they know, the less they are able to hate on you. This essentially makes hating a one- way equation that gives you endless fodder for your brimstone and leaves the other party wanting more.

4. Stay unique. If you are going to spend your life hating on others, you need to maintain a fashion sense that separates you from the plebes. This will increase their need to be more like you, and at the same time, you become an icon for your social clique. The secret to being unique is not letting anyone know where you shop. If you find a bargain, do not sext your bff about it. Instead buy up the whole store and wear the shit out of those outfits. When you are eventually asked where you got that amazing Brighton bag, simply respond with "oh this old thing, its from two years ago, but my best friend gave it to me so I couldn't part with it." The poor fool that originally asked you will then feel bad that they cannot recognize an item from four seasons ago, and will also be reminded that they are not your bffl. Finally, if you do happen to come across a great designer article, do not show it off. Instead wear it casually as if money and class do not mean a thing to you. After all, its natural to be as great as you are.

Remember folks, time is the longest space between two distances

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